Okay first of all lets start from the beginning... Last December I started to think about having a baby...I got my IUD out, I got out my IUD for two reasons, to lose a few pounds and to get pregnant in about April, because I thought that it would be fun to have a Febuary baby! Well I lost 5 more pounds, but April came and I forgot about insurance (I know, I mean how could I forget??) Anyway I got on insurance and that meant that I couldn't get pregnant for a whole year, or at least not have a baby until next April....I hope that makes sense...So about six months of being on insurance we decided to start trying and that means we would have our baby around the end of April if I got pregnant that month...Well I did....So that means I have been paying extra money to be on insurance, about $200 a month extra for the last year! Then since I am not on insurance yet, I was a cash patient at the doctors office and I saw him about 6 times so I was paying him about $100 to $150 for each visit...so $600 more, and now we have to pay for the whole hospital bill..and I am not quite sure how much that is.....Yes this is very true! I am MAD!!
I have gained a lot of weight...I worked so hard to get it off after having Courtney, now I have no motivation, and the reason I gained so much is because I was soooo sick and I was in so much pain with Brook all I wanted to do is rest, and I was a horrible mom to my other kids and always would say I am pregnant and I can't do that or I can't do this...which is very reasonable for a pregnant mom....but now I have nothing to show for it...it just sucks
Then at the church playgroup there are other moms due around the same time I was, and they are very pregnant and just waiting for their babies to be born...I really don't know what to say to them!!
My wonderful kids have been informed about what happened, so why on earth do they keep asking and role playing, it hurts...Almost everyday Lauren says "the baby is dead, right mom" or Lauren will say "what will happen when the baby comes?" I am really not mad at her but she was just really excited to have another sister!
I also have been going out of my way to make them happy, like giving into them, buying them everything, putting them in everything...this is so not going to be good in a few months! But right now I can't handle fighting with them, especially Andrew, he is starting to say mean things to me and is getting away with it...I just don't want to deal with it!
NOW... I am super sensitive and get mad at stupid people and what they say...How can people be so rude and mean....not that they really mean too, it's just really hard to talk to me right now, but people, (including my dear hubby) need to filter themselves...someone told me "You have to be a strong person or a strong family or GOD wouldn't put you though this....ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I am a wreck and I HAVE to put on a happy face I have three other kids looking at Michael and I, and I don't want them to be discarded....Plus this really shouldn't happen to anyone and nobody is strong enough to go though this, we fake it until we make it or until time makes it a little better!!! Want another one? "There must have been a good reason for her not to be here"...that one just makes me sad!
Then off to my CRAZY extended family....I don't even know how to start!!! My dumb brother went to jail and instead of me...we all worry about the kid (who is 26) who has made bad choices and has put himself in this position! I think that if people choose to do stupid things they should have to pay for them!!! They need to sit in jail for a long time and pay for what they did!!! He didn't learn the nice way when the whole family has helped him, so now maybe he will learn from this....but my dad is trying to use all of his power to get him out, and he has to come up with all this money and bail him out...to me this is not the way to do it, THIS IS CRAZY!!! So now my brother doesn't have a car and has to live with my dad or something...I really don't know the plan, but come on!!!
What makes me so mad about this is that if I asked my dad for $10,000 for something great, like going to college or to help pay something or whatever good for my kids...he would just roll his eyes, but he can come up with it in two weeks for my brother to get him out of jail, because he is afraid of looking bad!! Not that I want his money...just to make that clear!!!
Then my Mother, who I haven't talked to in years, decided to choose her stupid ass boyfriend who treats her like shit over having a healthy relation with us or my brother! She calls me after having Brook and leaves a message...are you kidding me, if I didn't want to talk to you before then I don't want to talk to you now, I am not a charity case, if you didn't want to talk before...well now is not the time!! I just lost my baby and you didn't give a rats ass when you found out that I was pregnant...I mean really!!!!????
Someone once told me it was okay to be mad sooo....there I feel better!!!
7 comments:
It part of the process, so get as mad as you want! I am glad that you can let it all out it and if you need some one to vent to call me!
I am proud of you for expressing how you feel. You have every right to feel this way. Plus, I know I shouldn't say this, but I love that you used swear words in this post. :) It put a smile to my face because when I'm upset I use them too.
Anyway, seriously let me know how I can help. You know when we were at the park today I felt bad because I have never invited you over to my new house. I didn't know that you felt that way, but thank you for telling me. You know you can come over whenever. I really have never invited anyone over to my new house because well, it's really small. Seroiusly. The only people that stop by are my parents. I'm usually over there anyway because it is so small.
But just call me and come over k. Love ya.
Michelle -
I truly do hope you feel better. Mad? I think you have every right to be mad and you shouldn't act like you're not. I hope you have more good days than bad and more good days in between the bad.
Danielle
"GOD, I know you said you would never give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I wish you didn't have so much confidence in me!"
This is what I thought of. I love you my sister Michelle!
Let it out!!! You seriously have EVERY rite to be mad- you just had a bomb dropped on you- and it's tough because people don't know what to say and then they fumble and say something (without meaning to) offensive. You have a LOT on your plate right now and you are going through a LOT and I'm sorry your parents arent being supportive! lame! Just know that you are absolutly incredible and what your going through- it's tough- and yes, it sucks! nothing anyone says will make it better but just know I love you and lots of people love you- and you just feel what you feel- I'm here for you- I'll take your kids when they are nutty or take you out for ice cream or whatever! I love you so much Michelle!
It is good to let it out Michelle. Throwing it up on paper (or blog in this case) is good. You can only let so much build up before you explode. I have been thinking about you so much. Hang in there. The Lord hears you and he will answer prayers. Keep being a great Mom and wife.
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