Okay first of all lets start from the beginning... Last December I started to think about having a baby...I got my IUD out, I got out my IUD for two reasons, to lose a few pounds and to get pregnant in about April, because I thought that it would be fun to have a Febuary baby! Well I lost 5 more pounds, but April came and I forgot about insurance (I know, I mean how could I forget??) Anyway I got on insurance and that meant that I couldn't get pregnant for a whole year, or at least not have a baby until next April....I hope that makes sense...So about six months of being on insurance we decided to start trying and that means we would have our baby around the end of April if I got pregnant that month...Well I did....So that means I have been paying extra money to be on insurance, about $200 a month extra for the last year! Then since I am not on insurance yet, I was a cash patient at the doctors office and I saw him about 6 times so I was paying him about $100 to $150 for each visit...so $600 more, and now we have to pay for the whole hospital bill..and I am not quite sure how much that is.....Yes this is very true! I am MAD!!
I have gained a lot of weight...I worked so hard to get it off after having Courtney, now I have no motivation, and the reason I gained so much is because I was soooo sick and I was in so much pain with Brook all I wanted to do is rest, and I was a horrible mom to my other kids and always would say I am pregnant and I can't do that or I can't do this...which is very reasonable for a pregnant mom....but now I have nothing to show for it...it just sucks
Then at the church playgroup there are other moms due around the same time I was, and they are very pregnant and just waiting for their babies to be born...I really don't know what to say to them!!
My wonderful kids have been informed about what happened, so why on earth do they keep asking and role playing, it hurts...Almost everyday Lauren says "the baby is dead, right mom" or Lauren will say "what will happen when the baby comes?" I am really not mad at her but she was just really excited to have another sister!
I also have been going out of my way to make them happy, like giving into them, buying them everything, putting them in everything...this is so not going to be good in a few months! But right now I can't handle fighting with them, especially Andrew, he is starting to say mean things to me and is getting away with it...I just don't want to deal with it!
NOW... I am super sensitive and get mad at stupid people and what they say...How can people be so rude and mean....not that they really mean too, it's just really hard to talk to me right now, but people, (including my dear hubby) need to filter themselves...someone told me "You have to be a strong person or a strong family or GOD wouldn't put you though this....ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I am a wreck and I HAVE to put on a happy face I have three other kids looking at Michael and I, and I don't want them to be discarded....Plus this really shouldn't happen to anyone and nobody is strong enough to go though this, we fake it until we make it or until time makes it a little better!!! Want another one? "There must have been a good reason for her not to be here"...that one just makes me sad!
Then off to my CRAZY extended family....I don't even know how to start!!! My dumb brother went to jail and instead of me...we all worry about the kid (who is 26) who has made bad choices and has put himself in this position! I think that if people choose to do stupid things they should have to pay for them!!! They need to sit in jail for a long time and pay for what they did!!! He didn't learn the nice way when the whole family has helped him, so now maybe he will learn from this....but my dad is trying to use all of his power to get him out, and he has to come up with all this money and bail him out...to me this is not the way to do it, THIS IS CRAZY!!! So now my brother doesn't have a car and has to live with my dad or something...I really don't know the plan, but come on!!!
What makes me so mad about this is that if I asked my dad for $10,000 for something great, like going to college or to help pay something or whatever good for my kids...he would just roll his eyes, but he can come up with it in two weeks for my brother to get him out of jail, because he is afraid of looking bad!! Not that I want his money...just to make that clear!!!
Then my Mother, who I haven't talked to in years, decided to choose her stupid ass boyfriend who treats her like shit over having a healthy relation with us or my brother! She calls me after having Brook and leaves a message...are you kidding me, if I didn't want to talk to you before then I don't want to talk to you now, I am not a charity case, if you didn't want to talk before...well now is not the time!! I just lost my baby and you didn't give a rats ass when you found out that I was pregnant...I mean really!!!!????
Someone once told me it was okay to be mad sooo....there I feel better!!!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
MLK
Andrew had the day off and my friend called me and asked me if we wanted to go four Wheeling, and of course we did!!! I was sad that Michael couldn't join us, he had to go to work, hahah! We all had a blast, and CRAZY Andrew somehow crashed into a rock and tipped the ATV over and got lots of scratches all down his back. I was worried, but he couldn't have cared and was like lets do that again!!! He is one crazy little boy!!!! Lauren and Courtney just played in the sand and had a great time! It was a great day!! Thanks Cassey!!
Dentist
Well I thought that it was time to take the kids to the dentist since its been a whole year....I know that we are suppose to go every six months but I live with a dentist so I thought that we could get away with it, right!!! So we go in and the kids are doing great Lauren was first and got her cleaning and Courtney was great too during her cleaning, well then Andrew throws a fit, then I leave and then he decides to be good and starts laughing, crazy Andrew! Then Michael comes in and checks for teeth bugs, Andrew is great, Courtney is great, Lauren has 3 cavities...what??? How can that be?? We all brush at the same time!! We even do the following at night...Floss, brush, and we use kids listerine mouthwash..I told Michael that it was to much, that brushing should be enough....but no I was wrong! So Lauren had to get 3 shots (I don't know how Michael did that) I was holding Lauren and I closed my eyes while she got the shots! She did so good, I thought that she was going to throw a fit, but she held my hand and was awesome! During the drilling part she was awesome as well, but the we got to the part where they put etch in (nasty tasting stuff) she freak out...but we got it done! Well after she was still numb and I kept telling her not to chew on her lip, well she didn't listen and now look at it!! I feel soooo bad for her, I feel like she had to get work done and now this!! I just want her to feel better, because she is such a good little girl!! Well in a few days I hope that she will feel better!!
I guess we will be going to the dentist more offend and brush more!! My poor baby girl!
I guess we will be going to the dentist more offend and brush more!! My poor baby girl!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sisters
I got these cute dresses, don't they look so cute! They love each other and would be lost without each other!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Life goes on?!? =(
Its weird because a lot of people are coming up to me and asking me "How are you?" or "How are you feeling?" I tell them I am okay....then at night right before I go to sleep, I feel super guilty for not telling them the truth which is that I am sad, that I feel horrible, that I am mad, or that I just want to make all of this go away and for everything to be fine! But then I think that they really don't want to hear all of that, people want to think that you are fine, because then if you do tell the truth, NOBODY knows what to say to you!!
If this happen to a close friend I would think... I don't know how anyone could go though that... and here I am. Some moments I feel okay (even happy) but most times I am heartbroken, sad, and why did this have to happen.
I just have to remember that there is a bigger plan out there and that time will help, I don't think that it will go away but with time it won't be so much on my mind.
Today we did all the paperwork for the cremation and it was hard. I didn't know how much goes into someone when they die. Its a process that I don't want to do for a long time. I got a beautiful urn, and when I die she will be buried with me.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Brook Mierzejewski
************ Warning Pictures of the baby (she was stillborn)********************************
The reason that I am writing this is because I use this a my journal and I want to remember and for all those who ask
At 20 weeks along I have a regular ultrasound and everything looked great but she was a little small and low, she also had little fluid, so they wanted to do a another ultrasound at 24 weeks! Well I told Michael not to come because it was just a check up and to see if everything was okay, but he surprised me and came! I was so happy to have him there! The ultrasound lady was very quite during and all of a sudden turned off the machine and looked at me all sad, and said I have some bad news, the baby doesn't have a heart beat. I broke out in tears and said are you sure, and she said that "she wont have told me that if she wasn't for sure." She told us that we had to come back that day and talk to the doctor, so we came back and we asked the doctor all different questions and then we decided to do it on Friday because I wanted help and I wanted Michael to be able to be there and not have to worry about work. But it was really hard to know that my baby wasn't alive and that I had to wait. Michael mom came in on Thursday night its nice to have extra help! Thursday night Michael gave me a blessing of comfort. Friday came and we woke up at 3:30 and drove to the hospital, checked in and got all hooked up. They gave me medicine and I was having contractions, I was having pain so they gave this pain medicine and it was horrible stuff, it didn't take away any pain, but it made me loopy and I couldn't talk and couldn't move it was the worse stuff ever! I started to throw up. Well after about 4 to 5 hours it finally started to fade, I was really upset that it took that long to get out of my system! The contractions were about 2 to 3 min. apart but I didn't want anymore pain medicine! I got to about a 9 and asked for a epidural, it was so nice! Epidural are from god and are the best!! I could finally relax a little! About 20 to 30 minutes later I had her. The doctor pulled her out and went to check her out, the cord was wrapped around her neck THREE times and that everything else looked okay, he asked me if I wanted to see her and of course I did. They bought her over and I was in tears the whole day but I had never been that sad in my whole life. She was beautiful and she look like her brother and sisters, she was amazing in every way! We spent the next few hours with her and we had to decided what to do with her and we pick out the mortuary, it was very hard. We were there for a few more hours to make sure I was okay, they did more tests and made sure that I was feeling okay before we left. We left and went home, I came home and saw my 3 beautiful kids, who are so sweet and so loving, ate dinner and went to bed. It was a hard day and I am sure that the days to come I will have up's and Down's but in the end we are a very strong family, and I know that I will see her again and I am so happy to have the Gospel in our lives!
I have had lots of people who have been there for us, people who have prayed for us, and put us in there thoughts. We are so blessed to have so many wonderful family and friends at this time! I am so grateful and want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
We named her Brook Mierzejewski she weighed 6.1 ounces 9.5 inches
The reason that I am posting these pictures is because she was real and that she was there!!!
The reason that I am writing this is because I use this a my journal and I want to remember and for all those who ask
At 20 weeks along I have a regular ultrasound and everything looked great but she was a little small and low, she also had little fluid, so they wanted to do a another ultrasound at 24 weeks! Well I told Michael not to come because it was just a check up and to see if everything was okay, but he surprised me and came! I was so happy to have him there! The ultrasound lady was very quite during and all of a sudden turned off the machine and looked at me all sad, and said I have some bad news, the baby doesn't have a heart beat. I broke out in tears and said are you sure, and she said that "she wont have told me that if she wasn't for sure." She told us that we had to come back that day and talk to the doctor, so we came back and we asked the doctor all different questions and then we decided to do it on Friday because I wanted help and I wanted Michael to be able to be there and not have to worry about work. But it was really hard to know that my baby wasn't alive and that I had to wait. Michael mom came in on Thursday night its nice to have extra help! Thursday night Michael gave me a blessing of comfort. Friday came and we woke up at 3:30 and drove to the hospital, checked in and got all hooked up. They gave me medicine and I was having contractions, I was having pain so they gave this pain medicine and it was horrible stuff, it didn't take away any pain, but it made me loopy and I couldn't talk and couldn't move it was the worse stuff ever! I started to throw up. Well after about 4 to 5 hours it finally started to fade, I was really upset that it took that long to get out of my system! The contractions were about 2 to 3 min. apart but I didn't want anymore pain medicine! I got to about a 9 and asked for a epidural, it was so nice! Epidural are from god and are the best!! I could finally relax a little! About 20 to 30 minutes later I had her. The doctor pulled her out and went to check her out, the cord was wrapped around her neck THREE times and that everything else looked okay, he asked me if I wanted to see her and of course I did. They bought her over and I was in tears the whole day but I had never been that sad in my whole life. She was beautiful and she look like her brother and sisters, she was amazing in every way! We spent the next few hours with her and we had to decided what to do with her and we pick out the mortuary, it was very hard. We were there for a few more hours to make sure I was okay, they did more tests and made sure that I was feeling okay before we left. We left and went home, I came home and saw my 3 beautiful kids, who are so sweet and so loving, ate dinner and went to bed. It was a hard day and I am sure that the days to come I will have up's and Down's but in the end we are a very strong family, and I know that I will see her again and I am so happy to have the Gospel in our lives!
I have had lots of people who have been there for us, people who have prayed for us, and put us in there thoughts. We are so blessed to have so many wonderful family and friends at this time! I am so grateful and want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
We named her Brook Mierzejewski she weighed 6.1 ounces 9.5 inches
The reason that I am posting these pictures is because she was real and that she was there!!!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Snow
It snows one or two days a year! And every year I get so excited and wish it would do it more! The kids wanted to play in it, but we had to get ready for school! It stopped about 20min. later and melted all away! But it was fun while it lasted!
Happy New Year 2011
We stayed home this year and I loved it! We stayed in our pj's and watched the ball drop! Andrew stayed up until 11:30 and the girls went to bed around 8! Its super hard for me to have my kids up past 8, and they have a hard time with it too, all grumpy the next day! Anyway we had a great night and I am excited for the new year!!!
Something that I hate about myself
My friend Abby put up a 30 questions about what to write in your blog, since I won't do everyday I will pick a few of them!!!!
I hate that its sooooo easy for me to gain weight and soooo hard for me to lose it!! I am sure a lot of people have this problem too! But really its not fair =)
I hate that its sooooo easy for me to gain weight and soooo hard for me to lose it!! I am sure a lot of people have this problem too! But really its not fair =)
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